sometimes you just need to grow up and come to the realization that they aren't going to change--for the better, anyway-- no matter how hard you try to convince yourself and everyone else that they will. time and time again i write about *oh, oh this is it. im thru with old things in my past. im not going to turn back and let myself get hurt again* without thought of how difficult it actually is to sit there and say *no* to my past. a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. i guess im just lost without constant termoil and chaos. then its me who needs to change, nobody else.

peace out..
MUSIC: Buried Myself Alive- The USED

last night was fun..i hung out with steven and heather and her boyfriend landon. the usual drinking and such. it was good to get out of the house though. then i stayed up until two-ish on the phone--most likely saying something i shouldn't, due to my intoxication. do we speak an exhaggertation of the truth under the influece?i dont know because i kind of can't remember. ha! that would be unfortunate if we were our real selfs while drunk..being that most are incredibly loud.obnoxious.permiscuous.
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okay, i need a nap. i was at RunTex all morning w/ Jenna doing service hours for ACF. deuce.

right where i want you

about to go walking with zachy. did i mention i missed him a whole bunch. we used to be real close back in the day. who knows, maybe it is possible to have something like that again. i sure do hope so.

its insane the things that occur in this life. one day here, the next out the door. damn that door. it's like the door to hell--coming in, that is-- and anyone who enters is bound to get messed up. but what about those who re-enter constantly. i dont know what to think about them. or actually, one in particular. one i care about a whole whole lot. i guess somehow they got ahold of me, and i think ill always be trapped--if thats what you want to call it-- but regardless. i'll be waiting--as i have been-- for a while. this may sound odd, but it's a comfortable wait..for me at least. here i go being confused in my own thoughts of life and love and such things.

i suppose i'll indulge myself in typical teenage past-times--pizza, liquior, drugs-- until i get what i really want..for some reason i think i actually will
duece.

today is fire
well today i saw you
i must say, baby four months is far too long to stay away
it all happened according to plan,
my heart broke to pieces

but wait, im getting ahead of myself
i meant to start off with:
well i thought all day
why i feel so empty
like youve gone away --again, again--

well i fucking figured it out
and its going to kill me to say
seeing you didnt make me miss you more
it made me realize "it" just isnt there anymore

ill always love you

i fear this emptiness will not be filled
particularly not by you again.

i think im going to leave for good soon
i really wish you could come with me
cause i dont think i can live without you
cant we juts be friends in love?

i think thats all im up for
yea, i think thats all we're up for.

|e|y|e||o|p|e|n|e|r| actually, far from that. im so confused its idiotic. theres a very miniscule line between love and stupidity. yeah i guess love would make you do stupid things, but not if the stupid thing is to BE in love. you'd think it would be nothing but great being in love. especially if you knew the other loved you aswell. but thats not the case in this fucked-up version of a life. i think i need something handpicked and ready for me. something i can just point out and say "i want" and get it. wouldn't it be fantastic if i could do that with [boy]? just be like "i want" and have it without any god damn complications in the way. maybe itd be better to starve myself of these desires and give up like ive pretended to do countless times in the past. who the hell should have to do that? someone with nothing left? no, i suppose someone with nothing left would have nothing to lose..im not sure where i am right now. in [boy]'s world, my world, anything. i dont think i was ever sure. exept when i look at you[boy] i know thats where i want to be. but hey, that doesnt mean anything..right?

wooga booga!

what a wonderful thursday morning..no school, sleeping in late, right? ..WRONG..see, my mom woke me up at 8 o clock to..let me know she was going to work. well thats just down right peachy, mom..ya jackass. ::rolls eyes:: o.h.w.e.l.l. last night was interesting. i talked to a few people id never think id talk to again. BUT I DID! ha

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so my good friend Aaron has a band [local, that is] called The Understudies ((isnt that adorable?)) anyway, they have a demo and such. not a website yet, but they're working on it. however, they do have super cool t-shirts..you can get one here:
check it out. one of the shirts is mocking the Manatee [another local band] shirts that say "music is useless" bahaha, clever, huh?
--ill be updating on my boys The Understudies periodically!--

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::yawn:: okay, nothing brilliant to say right now. i might be going to a *day* party today. woop woop! aright, peace!

my friend matt wrote this lovely deal while on illegal's the other day..its beautiful, enjooy

My emotion is getting out of hand, attraction has led me into a hole where I find myself calling out but never getting an answer. Screaming
as loud as I can, I might be lucky to hear a faint wisper in return. Might this be my mind once again hearing a voice coming from the love in
my heart, yet it seems so real as I can recall your perfect lips reading out the words, I can recall the beautiful, beautiful sound of your voice
melting in my head as the only thing I care for now is you. Heart overpowering my body at all times, I feel that I never get free of the strugle
to return my body to be a tool of my mind, but my heart now full of this love controlls both mind and body, and they are the tools, the tools for
the heart to rip in two or be in the grasp of love itself and know the feeling of absolute happiness and joy, all because you've found that
someone to hold in your life forever.

So I'm in a song-y mood..I've been sending my good friend DAVE (the DJ) my lyrics so i figure, what the hay, I'll let everyone see them.

::rules before i begin::
1) no laughing and pointing
2) no throwing sticks or stones (or breaking any bones? :-/)
3) enjoy =)

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Here's to the stars
flickering in our sky.
Watching the days and
our lives pass us by
staying still through
first kisses and last goodbyes

Those nights, summer air
smoke in our lungs
we sat and stared
fell in love there under that
vast blanket aglow
looking back, letting go.

Sometimes while thinking
back to those days
i look up, "our stars, our sky"
theres a confidence i get
from nothing else
because in a way, im looking up at you.

and the palms with their leafs and fingers
and the doves fly, the scent of you lingers.

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well folks, there you have it. that's my favorite one i've written actually. alright, off to bed it is! goodnight sweet readers.

blah new template..blah

today was interesting. well not until the end of the day really. a guy i don't really even know asked me out. and then some guys were yelling at eachother over the stair way. kind of hectic. and although my mom promised to take me to cheerleading tonight..she decided about ten minutes ago that she was too tired. (since it takes a lot of energy to place your foot on a damn petal) anyway, she just walked to a friends house. ::i wonder how much more energy it takes to actually WALK somewhere..rather than driving somewhere:: eh, im going to call my mom and bitch at her until she takes me. --peace--

()(ps: MARLEY FEST ON SUNDAY! WOOP WOOP!)()

What an amazingly boring day/weekend. You know, drinking always seems like a good idea until you get caught and punished for it. And I tend to get caught quite often. I've been hanging out with my mom throughout the day cleaning, cooking, doing my project for school and i must say it's all just down-right useless. Blah. I dont know, I need to take a walk and get out of the damned house. I feel like I'm in jail or something, only with better food. HOUSE ARREST! Damn all rules and restrictions. As interesting as this entry is, I'm all out of inspiration to write today. Hopefully next entry will be a little more exiting.